Narrator: Charlie decided to wear a scarlet shirt today. Too late, he remembered that red is the mascot color for Valentine's Day. Charlie is a nincompoop and his despondency is soap opera worthy. He's sitting on a bench underneath the blazing sun as he types this on his phone. Let's tune in to what he has to say...
Charlie: "Today has been and continues to be a stark reminder of my near two decade's worth of singleness. I had a girlfriend...once...when I was in first or second grade...my love for her was epic. Epically platonic."
Narrator: Charlie is a nincompoop.
Charlie: "Hey! I am. I would have felt guilty for speaking the truth to her but I should have been honest with her."
Narrator: What else does Charlie have to say as he continues to talk about himself in the third person?
Charlie: "Valentine's Days are perfect holidays for couples, Disney worthy dreams for idealistic singles, and twenty-four hours of enhanced nihilism for imprisoned loners."
Narrator: I told you that Charlie's nihilism is melodramatic. Well, audience, as the curtain is about to close upon this scene, Charlie has one last thing to say to you.
Charlie: "If there's anyone listening, please know that regardless of my situation, I truly am appreciative for the couples out there."
(Charlie bows to emptiness perhaps, as he wonders if he is his only audience).